Week 9: 9 Musical and 9 Sort of Musical Predictions for 2007

Well, we had a beautiful xmas. No tree, no gift exchange, no lights, just a beautiful baby girl, an incredible wife and me. If every christmas was like this I would never again complain about cold weather.

And as if this wasn't enough, I had asked Electramummy to send me a CD of Alaskan genius Joe Jim Paul in exchange for a couple of NC music CDs. Well, she did me one better, she not only sent the Joe Jim Paul CD, but another 2 on top of it. And then as if that wasnt enough she also included what has got to be one of the coolest gifts I've ever gotten. Check it out. I know have my very own Snow Globe. Hell yeah. Thank you EM. That was a way cool surprise.

So this week's blog is dedicated to Mrs. and Baby Anaconda for the best year ever, in so many ways, I can't even begin to ennumerate them here.

What I can ennumerate, however, are 18 predictions, 9 musical, 9 not so musical. Can you tell them apart? They are in no particular order.

1. Paul McCartney dies and Ringo reunites the Beatles, virtually. Dozens of aging rock stars file for unemployment.
2. Ramon publishes a Clear Channel Communications tell all book. A major scandal ensues followed by multiple lawsuits. The media giant goes bankrupt and all CC stations are sold to Mexico’s media monopoly, Televisa, who immediately converts them all to Tejano music stations. Shortly thereafter, Selena is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The hall is then renamed, El Famoso Gigante de Rock and Roll.
3. I learn to use garageband, but have a hard time figuring out how to combine it with my handheld cassette recorder.
4. Ricky Martin organizes a Menudo reunion show, Enrique Iglesias joins. To be able to recreate their 13 year old voices, they all have their biological balls removed. They record a Tejano record. It gets major play in the new Televisa radio.
5. Pete Townsend dies and Roger Daltrey reunites the Who, virtually, for a further string of farewell tours.
6. Britney Spears and Brooke Hogan have a catfight outside the release event for Cristina Aguilera's new Norteño record. They are both hired by the Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre (CMLL), and are exported to Mexico where they are given masks and new names, and are never heard from again.
7. New Town Drunks record and release record #2, The Ballad of Stayed and Gone. They play only one show behind it. A well known Tejano band covers and records one of the songs Tejano style, but still the Televisa radio won't play it.
8. On the tails of the new Tejano fever, the long awaited Rolling Stones backlash finally arrives and it is brutal. Rolling Stones banned from ever performing live again in the USA or Mexico, Rolling Stones songs never again played on the radio. Rolling Stones cover bands make thousands playing at clandestine cocktail parties for the rich. Keith Richards re-unites the Expensive Winos, and takes them on what will become a 40 year career, before the Winos all die and Keith is finally forced to start a band with Lemmy, the only other person still living the rock and roll lifestyle in 2047.
9. Baby Anaconda turns one. By then I have enough material to record an album of lullabies. I ponder whether this is a good idea at all, but by then I’m so overtaken by parenthood, I decide that it is a good idea and proceed to put out one of the worst records of the year, which turns out to be my favorite.
10. Kiss reunites as a rap band. No make up, just gold and platinum teeth and fake face tattoos. They go on tour with the Village People.
11. Muslim extremists bomb American Idol finale (now called Gigante Grande Idolo Americano). The attack backlashes and the show becomes more popular than ever, ushering a war between Muslim extremists and pre-fab pop musicians. There are attemps against Kelly Clarkson, La Mafia, Celine Dion, Sting and others. The war quickly escalates until it is dicovered that the Muslims had never been involved in any actions against pre-fab pop music. The FBI launches an investigation against the NAP, but there is no conclusive evidence. I am once again forced to changed my alias.
    
12. The Disclexington 8-Track Compilation, Ed, is picked up and released by a major label. After a fierce bidding war, Kilian is hired by EMI as an A&R man. He quickly signs all the bands in the compilation to record contracts. They all fail to meet the bottom line, even the ones that attempt to record Tejano songs. Kilian gets fired, but the compilation becomes an instant underground classic, selling on eBay for upwards of $50 a copy. And thus Kilian becomes a millionaire.
13. Snoop Dogg comes out of the closet. Admits to using weed to conceal his homosexuality and releases a Tejano rap record.
14. A new generation stops watching MTV. MTV goes off the air. I start dismantling the bombs.
15. Jimmy Page dies. Robert Plant reunites Led Zeppelin, virtually, before realizing John Paul Jones is still alive. Jones sues. Plant loses the lawsuit and is banned from ever taking off his shirt again. Steven Tyler goes into hiding.
16. Freak folk becomes the new Grunge. Devendra records a Tejano record and tops the billboard pop charts (now renamed El Grande Gigante de Billboard). He knocks Cristina Aguilera’s new Norteño record from the Numero Uno spot, and ushers a new wave of hippie Mexican music. All the kids fall in line and start watching Pepsi Musica on Telemundo until eventually Pepsi Musica becomes its own station. I start rebuilding the bombs again.
    
17. Mathematicians of the world finally agree that 9 + 9 = 17. Oh, and they also agree that anything over 100 x $50.00 = a million.
    

¡Que pasen un feliz y prospero año nuevo!