Also included: Part 1 of The Book of Fables.
To Pit Viper Pete
I’m postponing the Avett Brothers yet again. I do this hoping to further build your expectations, so that when I let you down in the end, the fall will be like Satan’s fall from grace, just cause I know you would like that. Am I wrong?
So instead of the Avett Brothers, this week is for CrazyHearse. I’ve seen them live once but I had fun in a way I hadn’t since my last Squat Thrust show years ago. And their records ‘Harvest Season’ and ‘Pigman’ are filled with great songs about zombies, gnomes, muscle cars, moose, tracktors and all kinds of stuff I can never get enough of.
So here’s one of their songs (more should be in this week’s NAPcast). And please remember the text afterwards accompanies the song and its incidental, not the other way around. Click on the song and read the text while you listen or don’t read anymore at all if you’d prefer, but do try to give the song a listen. I mean it’s a song about Worcestershire Sauce which, as CrazyHearse says, “Its awesome! It’s horrible!”
Here’s CrazyHearse’s Worcestershire Sauce.
And now part 1 of The Book of Fables:
TWO A&R MEN AND A FOLK SINGER
A young A&R man, an older A&R man, and a folk singer were laying on a green meadow in the late afternoon sun. As the sun began to set, the young A&R man got up and said “I’m hungry.” The older A&R man concurred “Yeah, me too, what should we have for dinner?” The folk singer rolled over on the grass and commented that “there’s lots of fresh grass and other greens all over this meadow. I’ve been nibbling at them all day, so I’m not that hungry.”
“Yeah, I noticed you’ve been nibbling,” said the young A&R man, “but I don’t like grass all that much, I was thinking something meatier would be much more appetizing.”
Calmly the folk singer responded, “There is no way that I’m going to agree to that. I know what you’re thinking, here’s this folk singer, who needs more folk songs? You’re thinking what a good meal I would make, but no way, you’re just going to have to figure out something else, because I’m not on the menu.”
“But you don’t understand,” insisted the young A&R man, “I must have meat to survive, my stomach doesn’t digest grass very well, I will get sick without the meat protein, and my skin will turn yellow.”
“We’ve got a problem then,” said the folk singer, “what are we going to do?”
At this point the older A&R man, who had been sitting quietly listening to the discussion and noticing that the folk singer was starting to get a little nervous, stood up and in a wise and calming voice said, “Folk singer, you don’t have to worry about us. You know we have publicly denounced the violence of the A&R men of yore. We no longer subscribe to the force and abuse you might have expected from us in the past. Our days of attacking and devouring whole bands of folk singers are long gone. We have shunned those primitive ways. Why don’t we put the question to a vote like reasonable people?”
But the suggestion only made the folk singer even more nervous. “There are two of you and only one of me, you will surely vote against me. I’m bound to lose.”
“Well, not necessarily,” reassured the older A&R man, “You know how Junior here feels about the issue, but you don’t know how I feel, or how I would vote. You could convince me to vote with you. Why not, we are all in the music business, right?. Sure I have some things in common with my young friend here, but I also have things in common with you, remember I was around during the time of the great folk singers and knew many of them personally. So I will honestly tell you that I haven’t made up my mind about dinner yet.” The older A&R man wasn’t lying.
The folk singer thought about the options. He couldn’t out run them, or hide from them forever. So he figured, what the hell, he was a folk singer and he believed in the folk songs, and he believed folk songs would save him. So he would try to convince the older A&R man that grass is delicious and devouring folk singers is not. After all he is older and I’m sure his stomach could use a softer more accessible diet. Who at that age has the energy to constantly go around hunting for folk singers, when grass is everywhere? The folk singer also knew that the older A&R man enjoyed his company and conversation very much. The folk singer knew this.
And thinking like this, the folk singer agreed to put it to a vote, and immediately went into a magnificent folk song to win the older A&R man’s vote. And what a song, neither A&R man had ever heard anything like it. Life was at stake and the folk singer knew it. He sang about the beauty of the green grass, about the soulfulness of a simple melody, the pleasure of a good lyric. The folk singer also sang about the community of music, about the musical bond that brought them together, about what the three of them could accomplish if they worked together, making music for the world together, and the folk singer sang with an enlightened spirit and in doing so lifted the spirits of the A&R men. And the song ended with a beautiful whistled melody that brought tears to the eyes of both the A&R men.
The folk singer was pleased with his song, and grew confident about his future. The older A&R man was going to vote for a green dinner, the folk singer could tell, and who knew, maybe even the young A&R man had been convinced. The folk singer felt good.
Then, right as the older A&R man was about to call for a vote, the young A&R man zapped his claws across the folk singer’s neck instantly causing his death. “Oh man, I’m sorry” howled the young A&R man, “what have I done, what have I done? I don’t know what got into me.”
“Well, don’t worry,” said the older A&R man “let’s eat, no sense in letting all this tender meat go to waste.”
And they put some Worcestershire sauce on the folk singer and ate him.
Moral of the story: If you are a folk singer hanging out with A&R men, don’t be surprised when you are eaten.
Coming soon in part 2 of The Book of Fables:: A metalhead in the nearby woods witnesses the A&R men eating the folk singer.
sausage on a stick Anaconda is that a song your daddy taught you in the shower when your fourteen? Oops sorry spouting Squat Thrust lyrics again. ST makes me sad now. Rest in Peace Wade.
an older real estate developer and a younger politician discussed eating an architect for lunch… next thing they knew she was biting their ears off and pushing them over a cliff.
WHAT!!!!!!!!! WADE!!!!!!!!?????
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My day is fucking ruined.
Sorry Anaconda.
I’ll have to come back to your post later.
C
This sort of musically well thought out quasi comedy stuff holds quite a bit of interest for me. I can’t stand straight schtick music, but songs that just happen to have comedic content, but stand as songs in their own right, can be very refreshing. Own of my favorite albums of the last several years (meaning I purchased, not it was released; it came out in 98) is the Jad Fair/Yo La Tengo collaboration of “Strange But True.” The songs are fairly well constructed (some times) and feature Fair’s standard semi-spoken word vocal approach. The content is ripped from (technically imaginary, I believe)tabloid headlines. I enjoy listening to the songs, and some of them are damn funny. You should check it out Cofresi. . .I mean Anaconda.
I think unfortunately we live in a world where comedy and seriousness have been, with some exceptions, sharply separated. Most things have to stand on one side or the other. To me the most rewarding stuff has elements of both. When the comedy is dead serious and the seriousness is damn funny, you’ll find me sitting on the front row. And when you can no longer tell if its funny or serious, then you’ll find me trying to sneak into the backstage area.
And SoR, dont ever, ever, ever again confuse me with that whiny ass-flapping nutsack dillhole, or i will have to kill you.
So, would you have been one of those confused folk laughing at the first few moments of Michael Richards’ unfortunate incident, or would you have been too busy muscling past security?
Don’t try to intimidate me, Carlos. . .Ravyns eat snakes like you for breakfast.
You mean the unfortunate incident where Michael Richards let his career get pigeonholed into being Kramer for the rest of his life cause someone was shoving so much money up his ass that he figured what the hell only to find out that to make room for all the money his soul had been sucked away by the same machine that filled his ass with money, and now he is just a sorry sack of shit and money, even though his Kramer character is still funny? You mean that incident? If so, then I was laughing then and i’m laughing still now, cause its damn funny when millionaries get fucked in the ass by the people that filled their ass with money in the first place.
And as for the identity confusion, I wasnt trying to intimidate, i was asking nicely, read it again and you’ll see.
ok.
Sorry, about that Anaconda. I didn’t know about Wade. We grew up in the same lame town and went to the same lame school and I loved ST and when I moved to Austin, Wade and Jimmy were regular fixtures at my favorite Austin Watering Hole Lovejoys. As I told Kilian, I felt kind of guilty for just kind of blazing Texas and staying out of touch until now. And I reiterate the sentiment that I hope he is resting in peace.
WHen I read your column, it reminded me of my favorite book, which happens to be one of the only two books I ever read in my life.
The one book I am reminded of is“My life in the Bush of Ghosts”by Amos Tutuola. Brian Eno and David Byrne’s album was actually named after the story, and the info on that album is linked above.
If you haven’t read the book you should, because it is fantastic in my opinion. Its often sold with another story “The Palm Wine Drinkard.”
Maybe some day, NAP will remind me of the other book I read over the course of my life and I can tell you about that one.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Anaconda. The only thing funnier would be if those same people papercut their cocks while fucking those same millionaires in the ass, due to all those Benjamins up there. Then they get VD from the papercut, since if you’re willing to let someone stuff large quantities of cash up your ass, you’re likely to let lots of other people stuff lots of other things up there, without regard to the effects – be that soul-sucking, VD, or trunk butt.
And don’t worry, Carlos, that breakfast comment was just my way of appologizing for the identity problem. Don’t bother reading it again, that’s what it was.
Let me tell everybody something…I worked in a Comedy Club up here for almost 5 years, and that shit that went down with Richards happens every fucking weekend, with all races, all across the board, period. Those hypocritical motherfuckers that came out and said how ashamed of him they were, and they were going to cry out for change in the clubs, and all that shit…man, fuck them. And fuck them again. When I saw Seinfeld on Letterman say how bad he felt, and how serious it was…I just about puked. He’s such a smug, smarmy dickhead. He’s come into the place I worked a few times, and he talks to every other comic and employee like they were a fucking 6 year old…he’s so full of crap. He’s worked those same clubs for 20 years…he knows what it’s like. That was nothing new, at all. I’ve seen black comics, latinos, asians, etc., respond to all races and types of hecklers in the audience the exact same way a million times, and nobody said dick. If you want any dirt on any comic at all…ask away, I’ve seen ‘em all, and if they’ve ever been on Comedy Central, I either know them personally or I could do their routines for ya, probably both. Kramer fucked up, but he got fucked over, as well. Trust me.
Matthew can you tell Michael Mencia to stop being such a fucking moron?
Louis C K…. ?
amen on Seinfeld. I have always hated that fuck.
Mainly because he looked like this kid named Robbie who I went to highschool with whose guts I hated. But knowing that Seinfeld is, in fact, an assbag, well it is kind of a validation for me.
Louis CK is a really cool guy. Unfortunately, his HBO sitcom was horrible…it was absolutely terrible, not funny at all. All the people on the show are also completely hysterical, but it just didn’t work at all, which is understandable, because they’re all comics, and not actors, but sometimes people bite off a lot more than they can chew.
Yeah. I am a fan of his. I saw his sitcom too. My husband referred to it as “my show” because it was pretty bad. The frontal male nudity was a nice change from boob world entertainment. But seriously, his stand up fucking kills.
I did love that scene in the Louis CK show where his daughter is constantl asking why.
I remember that. Matthew and I were in NY on the lower east district. Everyone in the crowd following the comedy show including ourselves were yelling racial slurs. Everybody there was having such a great time.
Goddam!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the typo. I meant to type, “Matthew, a friend and I were in NY…..” Matthew wasn’t there. At least I think he wasn’t.
Steven Cooper
Nothing like a few racial slurs to make you feel good about yourself.
yeah, we covered every race. Mostly whites, but every race.
Steven Cooper