Can't You See

This week the NAP is proud to inaugurate our regular advice column, written by our good friends in The Marshall Tucker Band.

How y'all doin'? When I heard that NAP was looking for an advice columnist, my first reaction was “what the hell is a NAP?” I mean, besides that sleeping in the daytime thing. I mean, that's what I hear a nap is, but since naps are for middle aged people and certainly not rock stars like me, I have to get that information second hand. Then somebody explained to me about NAP being a music blog and I sorta understood. Well, I guess I would understand if somebody would go ahead and explain to me what the hell a blog is. The advice thing I can do, though, because I been at this life thing an awful long time and I figure I been around the block enough to help see some other folks through a sticky situation or two. So let's dive right in

Dear Mr. Tucker,
I'm painting my living room and I'm having a hard time deciding whether I should go with white or maybe an off-white for sort of an antique look. Do you think you can shed some light on the situation?
Colleen Castaneda
Quad Cities, IA

Are you shittin' me? You want to know about paint? I don't know....

[Editor's note: Our columnist had to be talked back into the room after reading this question. We're not sure what he was expecting, but apparently this wasn't it.]

First of all, I'm not Mr. Tucker. The band is the Marshall Tucker Band. There's nobody in the band called Marshall Tucker. And another thing: Do you have a lot of windows in this room? Because if it's small and dark, you don't want to make it any smaller or darker. Know what I'm saying? You've got to go with the whitest white you've got. But if you've got plenty of light in the room, you have a little leeway with the color. Maybe even something not white. Go nuts.

Dear Marshall,
If there's nobody in your band called “Marshall Tucker” why are you called The Marshall Tucker Band?
Bucky Finster
Macon, GA

Bucky,
Is that so hard to understand? Is there anybody called “Pink Floyd” in Pink Floyd? No. Get over it. It's not that strange. In fact, I stopped thinking about it years ago and so should you.

Dear Mr. Tucker,
I think naming your band after somebody that's not in your band is retarded.
Bill Kepler
Sacramento, CA

Is there a question there?

Dear Chris Tucker,
I loved you in Rush Hour with Jackie Chan. You two should make more movies together. Anyway, I've been having problems with my wife recently. I can't remember where I left her. Do you know?
Sleepless in Seattle

OK. I'm done here. I hope you people are happy. Find yourself a new advice columnist.