Down to the Wire
Down to the wire, last minute, do or die, and I’ve got nothing.
Time in my house is of short supply. Two people scrambling to use one computer, two kids demanding all our free time, and it all boils down to a hobbled existence. There. I’ve said it.
Music is huge in my life. Yet I have marginalized the extent to which I have let music be a dynamic part of my daily events. Writing about music is one small way I have been able to keep near that which I hold so dear.
It’s not an easy place to reside in, and it’s even harder to admit it. It’s still no less true.
We all contribute in here once weekly and the only real common thread is music. Some weeks the mere idea of writing anything other than my own eulogy seems insurmountable. Bit dramatic maybe, definitely a touch colorful, but peppered with at least a shred of truth.
I don’t want to talk about music. I don’t want to entertain anyone this week. I just want to drain away a shred of the anxiety I feel with my current life - no details, just an open door that overlooks a steep hill, and we’ll let gravity do the rest.
It’s hard to imagine how I have come to find myself where I sit today. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don’t know who the fucking asshole is that is talking with my voice, wearing my clothes, and writing this pathetic drivel. All I do know is that I am a little lost at the moment, and I need to take account and go from there.
In December, the geriatric welcoming committee will be springing into action, and with walkers in hand we will take the stage at Rudz and do god knows what damage. If I wasn’t taking part, I might attend that event just to see how hard a train can hit a wall, and just what it would do to the damn thing, each car smashing into the other with relentless ferocity.
December is a long way away. I can’t imagine it actually exists.
For the time being, I can’t believe in much. There’s just too much to do.
Somehow, it will be done, no cheerleading. Things simply happen with or without my help. Perhaps lending a hand lends meaning, or stamps it over the lack thereof.
Then again, what the fuck do I know? What about you?
Time in my house is of short supply. Two people scrambling to use one computer, two kids demanding all our free time, and it all boils down to a hobbled existence. There. I’ve said it.
Music is huge in my life. Yet I have marginalized the extent to which I have let music be a dynamic part of my daily events. Writing about music is one small way I have been able to keep near that which I hold so dear.
It’s not an easy place to reside in, and it’s even harder to admit it. It’s still no less true.
We all contribute in here once weekly and the only real common thread is music. Some weeks the mere idea of writing anything other than my own eulogy seems insurmountable. Bit dramatic maybe, definitely a touch colorful, but peppered with at least a shred of truth.
I don’t want to talk about music. I don’t want to entertain anyone this week. I just want to drain away a shred of the anxiety I feel with my current life - no details, just an open door that overlooks a steep hill, and we’ll let gravity do the rest.
It’s hard to imagine how I have come to find myself where I sit today. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don’t know who the fucking asshole is that is talking with my voice, wearing my clothes, and writing this pathetic drivel. All I do know is that I am a little lost at the moment, and I need to take account and go from there.
In December, the geriatric welcoming committee will be springing into action, and with walkers in hand we will take the stage at Rudz and do god knows what damage. If I wasn’t taking part, I might attend that event just to see how hard a train can hit a wall, and just what it would do to the damn thing, each car smashing into the other with relentless ferocity.
December is a long way away. I can’t imagine it actually exists.
For the time being, I can’t believe in much. There’s just too much to do.
Somehow, it will be done, no cheerleading. Things simply happen with or without my help. Perhaps lending a hand lends meaning, or stamps it over the lack thereof.
Then again, what the fuck do I know? What about you?
25 Comments:
Hey Driftwood,
You need to get out more. Qui and Jesu were both shows you should have gone to see. Give yerself a break and get out.
Also, the Mike Gunn thing will be a geriactric fest if you let it. Just go up do it and have fun (well as much fun as can be had playing with Scott Grimm playing Eyore).
Yeah, and don't forget Curt as the Invisible Man, and Tom as the Wild Card. Actually, I played that bit of my worthless post for effect. In all honesty, we sound pretty good. But then again, there is the Wild Card...
I need to get out more. You don't know the half. It's not just shows mon frere. Believe me, I know the score.
Life is a Chinese torture puzzle for me right now. When I pull harder, the noose tightens. Sometimes stillness means survival. And a la-di-fuckin'-da...
Guns at the ready boys...
Yeah I heard two rehearsals and you sound like the Mike Gunn power trio shows downstairs at Rudz back in the day. If y'all ever send Tom recording of yr set rehearsals he'll be fine. He's less a wild card than you'd think. Kurt, well that's another thing. You can always replace him with the old Apple IIC drum machine we used to use in Bongtooth.
as for any mysterious nooses? Loosen it, cut it, get it off, whatever...there's always a reasonable way to do it.
John,
Bo told me those tubes in your amp are original. Is that true? Would it be a curse to replace them at this point? Seeing Ramon's shiny new vacuums made me wonder. Just wondering. Rock on.
eat less. sleep less. and start smoking. stress is your motivator and vice is your fuel. 10pm to 2am are your golden hours. don't blow it.
Hey, I know this one.
John, don't worry too much about the reunion show. Having just put on the mother of all reunion shows, I found that the best strategy was just not to worry that it might be a masturbatory nostalgic suckfest. It was a line of thinking that I couldn't indulge in in order to get what I needed to do done. At this point, you've already committed to the show, and you're not going to back out, so you might as well embrace it and try to make it cool for the people who will be there.
Sorry to hear about the open door and the steep hill. I'm sure you're going through a lot of changes with another small child in the house and the sorts of questioning that we are all prone to at this period in our lives. Good luck with it. I was on a steep hill this spring in England and it had a beautiful cobbled path plus steps and a handrail so perhaps there's another way down.
Might I recommend getting your laundry done at a service, rather than doing it yourself? Amazing how much better that makes you feel.
If you're not into that, massages, therapy, yoga and having a lovely cocktail right before a lovely meal all work for me. But may be I've been living in Austin too long for that to appeal to non-austinites.
Let's see, in one year, 5 years ago, I lost a husband and three cats, as well as my entire database of assets at work when IT told me they hadn't been backing it up. That was 3 years of work and 9 years of relationship. I also became pregnant, after my doctor told me I'd never be able to have a baby. So I had to stop drinking coffee, alcohol and stop smoking (everything). Then attempt to have a relationship with the new man.
5 years later I have 2 children and a pretty good relationship with a man who has a very nice sense of humor - helpful! Work lost my database again, this time 8 years of work and it's unrecoverable. Have rotated almost my complete batch of friends after having kids - amazing to what level that affects your life. I also have a cookie store on the way which has been quite the time waster!
Interestingly, getting on this blog has been my blast from the past of late and I feel it's something that isn't just historical amusement or pain. It's rather interesting, in fact.
The one key I have is similar to what you say John - being still. In other words, don't panic. All you have to do is show up.
Sorry for getting all Heidi on you *(like the character out of the book), it's something I can't really help. Sometimes when I read your posts, you make me panic and want to come down there and take you out for a hot chocolate.
hey john,
julie mentioned the questions we ask ourselves at this point in our lives. remember my email to you a while back about the cusp-of-40 existential crises? at the risk of sounding trite, i would say that you should maybe question why you can't be happy with what you do have, instead of obsessing over what seems to be missing. also, the tone of your post has a hint of tiredness to it. very understandable, having a family to provide for. being tired probably makes the m.g. show seem like "just another damn thing i have to do". bear in mind that this happens in december. the here and now might be a drag on you, so maybe deal with that and let the future form itself. at our age, if you don't feel a little like you do, you're in denial. on the other hand, if this is all you can think about, your life is lacking balance. this is not a permanent state. it will change.
enough of my half assed zen psychobabble. do you want me to do next weeks post? it will give me the impetus to finish a piece i'm working on.
take care of yourself.
Hang in there.Two kids is not really double the work. It increases exponentially. Jees, I realized I've been changing diapers for four and one half years between my two. The laundry suggestion by Ramona sounds like a great idea. If you need anything, let me know. Also, don't worry about the show. Novox plays out all the time and we still can't get our shit together, so it can't possibly suck. Just have fun.
enough.
All of you rock. More than you know. I thank everyone. I have a lot to sort out. Man.
...
...Said John ans he loaded his semi-automatic.
I know its not much, but uh... If you ever want me to cover a Tuesday for you, let me know.
Ramon:
Eeyore? What the fuck? I’ve been nothing but positive about the whole Mike Gunn reunion thing. You were at the first practice, so you know god damn well that I had a lot of fun, but I always said that I thought it’d be a blast to get together and play those songs again (and it is).
Seriously, it’s your kind of negativity that made me turn my back on the Houston music scene 10+ years ago in the first place. I’ll go along with those “Scott’s an asshole” and “Scott’s so negative” jokes to a certain extent, but, Jesus Christ, I’m not that guy anymore. I never really was. You’ve met my wife; do you honestly think she would have given me the time of day if I were?
After a certain point, everyone has to grow up and move on, and I’ve tried to as best as I can. Now I think it’s time you did.
Even though we've had our disagreements in the past, John, I just wanted you to know that earlier this week I was walking through the East Village and I saw James Iha, the incredibly annoying guitarist from the equally annoying Smashing Pumpkins, and he just looked plain miserable. I think I even detected a small tear forming...and he didn't even get INVITED to participate in his reunion shows. So hang in there...I don't know if this helps or not. I just thought that maybe the image of this goofball would make you smile a bit Hey, I'm trying.
Whew! Time to head out to the Mike Gunn room...
Scott,
I think I'm referring to the Dunlavy experience when I refer to you as Eyore. When I brought you the tape to show you that it was pretty good, you responded with a slow dirge of "Oh god, it's was worse than I could have ever imagined!!!!" That was pretty Eyore.
I just kind of expect the same thing where you will play a great show then be despondent over it being some great disaster akin to the Galveston Hurricane when in fact everyone enjoyed it.
Oh and PS maybe the comments weren't clear due to my formatting. Here it is again using the right HTML formatting code... see if this helps.
"Also, the Mike Gunn thing will be a geriactric fest if you let it. Just go up do it and have fun [joke](well as much fun as can be had playing with Scott Grimm playing Eyore)."[/joke]...
...Yeah I heard two rehearsals and you sound like the Mike Gunn power trio shows downstairs at Rudz back in the day. If y'all ever send Tom recording of yr set rehearsals he'll be fine. He's less a wild card than you'd think. [joke]Kurt, well that's another thing. You can always replace him with the old Apple IIC drum machine we used to use in Bongtooth.[/joke]...
I might actually be in Houston for that show, seeing as how I have to fly to the lower 48 before 2008 to take advantage of some dental insurance. Of course I will have Electra with me so hopefully the show will be okay for her. If all goes well, I will be looking forward to meeting re-meeting many of you.
scott said: "Seriously, it’s your kind of negativity that made me turn my back on the Houston music scene 10+ years ago in the first place. I’ll go along with those “Scott’s an asshole” and “Scott’s so negative” jokes to a certain extent, but, Jesus Christ, I’m not that guy anymore. I never really was. You’ve met my wife; do you honestly think she would have given me the time of day if I were"
OHMYGOD THAT WAS SO CUTE I WANT TO KISS YOU!
Hey Matt, and thanks. I love the Iha tear image. Fucking Smashing Pumpkins...
hot chocolate for everyone!
so, when is this fun fest, anyway?
Ramon,
Damn, I was just trying to get you to laugh (actually, I was secretly hoping you'd take me seriously and spazz out). Instead, you took me seriously and managed to be totally patronizing. I bow to your superior assholishness. I am humbled and shamed.
However, I can't resist throwing your joke back at you:
[joke](Eeyore? What the fuck? I’ve been nothing but positive about the whole Mike Gunn reunion thing. You were at the first practice, so you know god damn well that I had a lot of fun, but I always said that I thought it’d be a blast to get together and play those songs again (and it is).
Seriously, it’s your kind of negativity that made me turn my back on the Houston music scene 10+ years ago in the first place. I’ll go along with those “Scott’s an asshole” and “Scott’s so negative” jokes to a certain extent, but, Jesus Christ, I’m not that guy anymore. I never really was. You’ve met my wife; do you honestly think she would have given me the time of day if I were?
After a certain point, everyone has to grow up and move on, and I’ve tried to as best as I can. Now I think it’s time you did. .[/joke]...
After a certain point, everyone has to grow up and move on, and I’ve tried to as best as I can. Now I think it’s time you did.[/joke]...[/joke].
Your HTML cannot be accepted: Tag is broken: <joke>
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home