My Hands Are Tied
I have a new neighbor. Or a relatively new neighbor; she's been there for a couple months now, I guess. Most of my neighbors are the sort that you want--quiet and inclined to keep to themselves. Often I don't know if they are home because there are no human sounds to give away their presence. This new neighbor is not like that. In fact, she's the opposite of that.
At first she was just a little louder than average. She would talk to the guy that lives next to her and maybe laugh a little louder than was necessary. My first interaction with her was when hauling my laundry down to the machines. She cornered me and asked me if she could piggyback on my wi-fi. Well, she didn't use those words. The words she did use indicated to me that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about and had heard from somebody else that she should be able to get a deal on internet usage. She was convinced that she should be able to see my network (no she can't) and that she would just be able to start using it (again, no she can't). So she prodded me into her efficiency apartment, which had clothes strewn all over the floor. She wanted to show me on the crappy screen (covered in a thin layer of ash and right next to the pack of Benson & Hedges--which are never more than an arm's length away) that she could see my network. Like I imagined, there was no network to be found and I politely declined to let her share mine and made my way out the door. The last thing I need is the RIAA knocking on my door because the grizzled woman across the way decided to download with abandon.
I needn't have worried because this woman owns three albums and only three albums, which I'm guessing she bought in 1987. Maybe this was a special time for her. Album number one, and by far the favorite, is The Joshua Tree. I telecommute most days, so I get to hear this all the time. U2 was very big in 1987 and they are still very big in the mind of at least one person. Album number two is In My Tribe, another one I remember well from 1987. This is the least favored of the three. I've only heard it a couple times. Album number three I have to guess at because it's a Beatles hits collection, but I think it's The Beatles 1962-1966. The Beatles were also really big in 1987 as most things having to do with the sixties were. This gets only slightly less play than U2.
As my neighbor became more comfortable over the weeks, she began warbling along with the music that she was playing (over and over). You haven't lived until you've heard the chorus of "With or Without You" forced out of the leathery lungs of my neighbor. And then she started dancing. Waving her arms around and spinning. Knocking things over.
Other neighbors who live closer to her began to get frustrated with all the noise, especially since she has now gotten to the point of staying up all night, making with the loud. Cops were called. Yelling ensued. And then more yelling. And yet more yelling, until it was rare that there wasn't yelling. This goes on all night and then into the day. There she was out there in the middle of the day cackling, dancing, and completely ruining "Ticket to Ride," singing "and I don't care" in the most vindictive way possible, clearly aiming those words at her neighbors and The Man. I'm betting she thought she was pretty cool out there singing along to the coolest music 1987 had to offer.
Fuck cool.
At first she was just a little louder than average. She would talk to the guy that lives next to her and maybe laugh a little louder than was necessary. My first interaction with her was when hauling my laundry down to the machines. She cornered me and asked me if she could piggyback on my wi-fi. Well, she didn't use those words. The words she did use indicated to me that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about and had heard from somebody else that she should be able to get a deal on internet usage. She was convinced that she should be able to see my network (no she can't) and that she would just be able to start using it (again, no she can't). So she prodded me into her efficiency apartment, which had clothes strewn all over the floor. She wanted to show me on the crappy screen (covered in a thin layer of ash and right next to the pack of Benson & Hedges--which are never more than an arm's length away) that she could see my network. Like I imagined, there was no network to be found and I politely declined to let her share mine and made my way out the door. The last thing I need is the RIAA knocking on my door because the grizzled woman across the way decided to download with abandon.
I needn't have worried because this woman owns three albums and only three albums, which I'm guessing she bought in 1987. Maybe this was a special time for her. Album number one, and by far the favorite, is The Joshua Tree. I telecommute most days, so I get to hear this all the time. U2 was very big in 1987 and they are still very big in the mind of at least one person. Album number two is In My Tribe, another one I remember well from 1987. This is the least favored of the three. I've only heard it a couple times. Album number three I have to guess at because it's a Beatles hits collection, but I think it's The Beatles 1962-1966. The Beatles were also really big in 1987 as most things having to do with the sixties were. This gets only slightly less play than U2.
As my neighbor became more comfortable over the weeks, she began warbling along with the music that she was playing (over and over). You haven't lived until you've heard the chorus of "With or Without You" forced out of the leathery lungs of my neighbor. And then she started dancing. Waving her arms around and spinning. Knocking things over.
Other neighbors who live closer to her began to get frustrated with all the noise, especially since she has now gotten to the point of staying up all night, making with the loud. Cops were called. Yelling ensued. And then more yelling. And yet more yelling, until it was rare that there wasn't yelling. This goes on all night and then into the day. There she was out there in the middle of the day cackling, dancing, and completely ruining "Ticket to Ride," singing "and I don't care" in the most vindictive way possible, clearly aiming those words at her neighbors and The Man. I'm betting she thought she was pretty cool out there singing along to the coolest music 1987 had to offer.
Fuck cool.
13 Comments:
U2 is still big in the minds of a lot of people. They had two dates at the United Center last time through here - you know the House that Michael Jordan built? The three tiered gi-normous arena.
Only a few acts these days can do that. For what that's worth, cuz it's nothing that I care to see. Well, except Celine.
Fuck cool? Your gonna have to deliver something a little closer to the quality than this sad creature before damning it.
It's funny, I was actually listening to "The Joshua Tree" as I read this, cuz I woke up with "Exit" on the ole' internal iPod and had to hear it for reals.
I'm with Justin, in that I interpret "cool" as "self-absorbed and convinced that one's own awesomeness justifies any number of annoying tendencies".
Perhaps I'm reading too much into two words, though.
That's how I interpret this sad B&H smoking creature.
How I interpret cool is the way I imagine Justin played it when approached.
convinced that one's own awesomeness justifies any number of annoying tendencies
Yes, this is how I meant it. Though I honestly have no idea whether this woman thinks of herself as cool. Whether she does or not, there are some very real problems swimming around in her head.
the way I imagine Justin played it when approached
The only thing I played it is uncomfortable, which is my usual MO.
Wow, your across the way neighbor sounds possibly even worse than my upstairs neighbor. Maybe we could introduce them and then kill them both. It might even make you and me turn into friendly people.
Ha ha ha ha ha...
Nahh.
Why don't you kill Justin's neighbor, and Justin can kill your neighbor? Criss-cross.
John may not know it but back when Bongtooth used an Apple II c with a SAM card as a drum machine the drums I sampled were largely a combination of Live Skull "Don't get any one you Live" and 10,000 Maniacs "In my Tribe". The latter which has one of the worst drum fills ever committed to vinyl.
The only thing I played it is uncomfortable, which is my usual MO.
And all this time I thought you were playing it cool.
Guys. I have to find a new perspective on life. I'll see you later.
I think I'm probably the one with the most annoying music listening habits in my building.
I've never had a neighbor more aurally annoying than the guy upstairs right now, and he doesn't even listen to music as far as I can tell.
And while I'm not sure I can clearly define cool, I sure do know when something isn't. So, take that Ed Meese.
I think I'm probably the one with the most annoying music listening habits in my building.
Ah, but do you stay up all night yelling at nobody in particular? I would welcome a neighbor who merely had tastes that didn't agree with mine.
It's been quiet the last couple days and word on the street is that she's in the slammer. Maybe she won't make bail.
Ah, but do you stay up all night yelling at nobody in particular?
No, but I vacuum at odd hours. Usually before any sort of a deadline.
My various and sundry solutions to drowning out other people's noises on different occasions have been 1.) turning up my music even louder than the offending noise [preferred] 2.) vacuuming while neighbor has very loud sex [that wasn't very sporting of me, but she was a screamer] 3.) attempting to seal windows with saran wrap in order to drown out bus noise to hear the soft parts to classical music [failed] 4.) calling the police when people exiting bar across the street get into loud fights during many summer Saturdays at 4am [people don't fight outside in the winter for some reason] 5.) earplugs, the waxy kind 6.) shure earphones, the kind you stick deep in your ears 7.) doing the dishes and 8.) sleeping at somebody else's home. Hope this helps you in some way. :-)
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