Clean Up, Aisle Seven
Every here and there I get a wild hair up my ass and have to head over to Billboard to check out their top album charts. I think it’s the same principal behind probing an ulcer inside my mouth with the tip of my tongue. It’s such a sweet, sweet pain. I will openly admit that I have both a lust for celebrity trash and a fascination with the crapshoot that is popular music.
Mind you, I don’t think of myself as some sort of irony laden cultural ambulance chaser, there is still a part of me that is lured by the pretty lights and flashy noises of mob pop. Sure it’s shallow but sometimes it hits the spot.
Having said that, the thrill of dreaming up new ways to imagine the downfall of the J-Los and Terry Hatchers of the world is practically pathological. You build ‘em up just to knock ‘em down, and I will be there watching, smiling, and jonesing for more.
Yes, I am often that stupid.
But I digress. Today I want to briefly touch on the number one album in the country.
Care to venture a guess?
In this country of ours, in this vast land of 304 million people, the most popular selling album in the country is Indestructible by Disturbed.
Yeah, Disturbed.
What does that say about us?
Well, it primarily says we love shitty music. This is inarguable absolute knowledge. Christian apologists could use this fact to prove the existence of the divine. Disturbed sucks. No one could ever argue against this fact with anything approaching verity. Hell, look in the bible, right there in the book of Dale, chapter 12, verse 6: And the Lord did say, “Holy fuck, dude, Disturbed huffs sack!!” And the disciples did bow in supplication and rejoice in the playing of the new Earth album because it was so goddamn good.
The success of Disturbed also shows that young people bear a huge load in determining the sales of popular music: young, white, middle class, poorly adjusted, ill informed, and menacingly, threateningly stupid. They are the ones buying records and they are the ones supporting people like Disturbed, 3 Doors Down, and other moronic thug rock catastrophes.
But guess who else is on the top ten album charts this week?
Howzabout Journey, or better still, and this one kills me, Weezer.
Weezer? Why are they even allowed to live anymore?
I mean, for Christ’s sake, Journey is pretty bad. They don’t even have Steve Perry on vocals anymore; they have some other douche taking the honors. But still, it’s Journey. That’s like the fucking Eagles. Their suck knows no bounds and by contrast America loves every flatulent outburst from their interminable career.
I can handle that.
I can’t handle Weezer. I have always hated Weezer, have always hated Rivers Cuomo and his attempts to take three chords, a distortion pedal, and a dream, and weave them into nothing.
And Weezer has the number four album in the country.
As for has-beens, Jewel is also on the list at number eight.
Round it out with the Sex in the City soundtrack, and a couple hiphop/r&b entries with Chris Brown and Ashanti and suddenly, it’s what the fuck planet are we living on?
And fuck me; don’t even get me started on Katey Perry. Kissing a member of your own gender is still considered transgressive here in 2008. Her single is tearing up the charts. We are a nation of malls, Target stores, and flip-flopped teenaged suburban hillbillies coated in Abercrombie cologne. We are a nation of gas addicted, future diabetic fat-asses with our sights set on oblivion and we can’t figure out why the rest of the world is both amazed with us and in fear of us at the same time. We’re like an atrocity exhibition and we don’t even care. Just going to the grocery store now is like an adventure into a museum of gym-trolling hardbody strippers and weight lifters: shaved, tanned, and hormonally injected to such high levels, not a single hour can pass without an empty, pointless sexual encounter in the back seat of a Hummer. And we are beside ourselves with amusement because some imbecile with a record contract thinks a girl kissing another girl is out there? Oh man, what have we become? Deliver us from evil.
Stop the planet, I want off.
Fight the power, people, and go out and get the new Earth album, it’s called The Bees Made Honey in the Lion’s Skull. I’ll be wearing that baby out in the coming weeks. It’s brilliant. They just keep getting better and better and I for one am very grateful.
So take that, Disturbed, with your aircraft carrier stand-in penis of a stage, facial piercings, 2008 dreadlocks, baggy vinyl pants, MTV Cribs appearances, and all-around sucking. America deserves you, and you deserve us all in return. You’re number one!!!
Mind you, I don’t think of myself as some sort of irony laden cultural ambulance chaser, there is still a part of me that is lured by the pretty lights and flashy noises of mob pop. Sure it’s shallow but sometimes it hits the spot.
Having said that, the thrill of dreaming up new ways to imagine the downfall of the J-Los and Terry Hatchers of the world is practically pathological. You build ‘em up just to knock ‘em down, and I will be there watching, smiling, and jonesing for more.
Yes, I am often that stupid.
But I digress. Today I want to briefly touch on the number one album in the country.
Care to venture a guess?
In this country of ours, in this vast land of 304 million people, the most popular selling album in the country is Indestructible by Disturbed.
Yeah, Disturbed.
What does that say about us?
Well, it primarily says we love shitty music. This is inarguable absolute knowledge. Christian apologists could use this fact to prove the existence of the divine. Disturbed sucks. No one could ever argue against this fact with anything approaching verity. Hell, look in the bible, right there in the book of Dale, chapter 12, verse 6: And the Lord did say, “Holy fuck, dude, Disturbed huffs sack!!” And the disciples did bow in supplication and rejoice in the playing of the new Earth album because it was so goddamn good.
The success of Disturbed also shows that young people bear a huge load in determining the sales of popular music: young, white, middle class, poorly adjusted, ill informed, and menacingly, threateningly stupid. They are the ones buying records and they are the ones supporting people like Disturbed, 3 Doors Down, and other moronic thug rock catastrophes.
But guess who else is on the top ten album charts this week?
Howzabout Journey, or better still, and this one kills me, Weezer.
Weezer? Why are they even allowed to live anymore?
I mean, for Christ’s sake, Journey is pretty bad. They don’t even have Steve Perry on vocals anymore; they have some other douche taking the honors. But still, it’s Journey. That’s like the fucking Eagles. Their suck knows no bounds and by contrast America loves every flatulent outburst from their interminable career.
I can handle that.
I can’t handle Weezer. I have always hated Weezer, have always hated Rivers Cuomo and his attempts to take three chords, a distortion pedal, and a dream, and weave them into nothing.
And Weezer has the number four album in the country.
As for has-beens, Jewel is also on the list at number eight.
Round it out with the Sex in the City soundtrack, and a couple hiphop/r&b entries with Chris Brown and Ashanti and suddenly, it’s what the fuck planet are we living on?
And fuck me; don’t even get me started on Katey Perry. Kissing a member of your own gender is still considered transgressive here in 2008. Her single is tearing up the charts. We are a nation of malls, Target stores, and flip-flopped teenaged suburban hillbillies coated in Abercrombie cologne. We are a nation of gas addicted, future diabetic fat-asses with our sights set on oblivion and we can’t figure out why the rest of the world is both amazed with us and in fear of us at the same time. We’re like an atrocity exhibition and we don’t even care. Just going to the grocery store now is like an adventure into a museum of gym-trolling hardbody strippers and weight lifters: shaved, tanned, and hormonally injected to such high levels, not a single hour can pass without an empty, pointless sexual encounter in the back seat of a Hummer. And we are beside ourselves with amusement because some imbecile with a record contract thinks a girl kissing another girl is out there? Oh man, what have we become? Deliver us from evil.
Stop the planet, I want off.
Fight the power, people, and go out and get the new Earth album, it’s called The Bees Made Honey in the Lion’s Skull. I’ll be wearing that baby out in the coming weeks. It’s brilliant. They just keep getting better and better and I for one am very grateful.
So take that, Disturbed, with your aircraft carrier stand-in penis of a stage, facial piercings, 2008 dreadlocks, baggy vinyl pants, MTV Cribs appearances, and all-around sucking. America deserves you, and you deserve us all in return. You’re number one!!!
10 Comments:
Atrocity Exhibition by Exodus is in my top one list... and for some reason, this post reminded me of how much I would love to shove a rusty fecal-embossed sword into Lisa Loebs head cavity. The new Earth is pretty awesome.
Wow, i'm am so out of touch. I dont even recognize most of the names you mentioned (except Journey, Jewel and Wezer). I guess i should consider myself lucky. Apparently, I live in some sort of plastic bubble, gratefully.
As for hummers... There are other things besides having sex that you can do in the back seat of the hummer, according to Will Arnett.
I'd be interested to know what the numbers are in comparison to years passed. Jewel, Weezer and Journey being in the Top Ten doesn't say much as far as the kiddos go.
They say the median age for a gamer these days is 33.
What are the kids into? I guess they are saving up for iPhones.
That Will Arnett mess is ridiculously good.
Thats mostly the music that crags like us are listening to. I don't think kids actually pay for their music at all. At all.. except for Disturbed. Those monkeys are definitely listening to that crap as evidenced during my attendance to the smallest rock show on the planet in Nelson Lagoon. That and Avenged Sevenfold.
What drives me nutso isn't the music of late... its the goddamned carrot legged pants I see everywhere. I decided last night that I was going to make a pair of pants with four legs... If you want a pair, just tell me what size you wear.
The Earth album will be purchased immediately. Thanks for the heads up.
The kids are into girls kissing girls, anal, and Shostakovich.
Well, maybe not the last one.
Phew, I'm a kid at heart.
Thanks for the laughs. I share your interest in popular culture for the same reason but I explain it by saying the lowest common denominator includes all of us whether you like it or not.
I also think the 'youth' don't really buy music anymore which explains why Journey and Weezer are on the charts. That or both are on the charts due to whatever closed door reach around agreements were reached between the labels and Billboard.
I wish there was a way to describe my loathing of current hip-hop and R&B music and their corresponding scenes and lifestyles the kids want to emulate so much without coming off as an old kook and maybe racist. The only consolation I have is that there is an 'underground' rap/hip hop scene that is still about music and delivering some message (lofty or not) instead of just extolling the virtues of our shallow materialistic culture or music as a part of some brand marketing that includes clothing or whatever other commodity they can sell their fans.
That said the more shitty the world around you becomes the more entertaining it seems to watch. I just watched a new reality show while prepping dinner last night that I know I will watch moving forward. It is called The Moment of Truth. Basically you answer a series of embarrassing and humiliating questions geared to shatter your friends and love one's image of you as their friend and loved one. All for the chance at 500 grand though from what I can tell from their advertising no one has gotten to the final 21st question.
I cannot think of a better show for our times. People willing to damage their most important relationships over money and the chance to be on the teevee. OK maybe American Gladiators.
rise to glory, motherfarmers!
Journey is in the top ten? Wow!! Now I think the Jonus Brothers are number one. Just a couple of weeks ago it was Neil Diamond. Now that was a shocker! At least it isn't Hip Hop and rap. Neil Diamond. A couple of years back it was Jimmy Buffet. Not too long ago Barry Nanilow had a top ten album. Some old farts are buying records too.
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