Interview with Artie

This week is going to be a bit different. I’m going to have a chat, i.e. interview, with Artie.

* So Artie… what’s up?
I don’t know. I feel pressure here.
* Do you feel pressure to talk about something interesting?
I feel pressure to talk about something smart, when I’m not, necessarily. Sometimes I’m seized with inspiration, but I forget that nobody cares what I have to say.
* I care.
So like when I think its cool that the sun is a star, and think its totally weird, no one really cares. Its almost like when I say funny thing that’s only to make myself laugh. Others can laugh if they like. When I’m inspired to say something funny, I forget I’m not funny.
* I think you’re thinking too much.
Probably. For thinking too much I don’t think a lot.
* So, anyway, about that radio show, from Houston.
Chuck Roast?
* Yeah. What was the name of that band that you could never find?
MStandish?
* Yeah. How do you spell that?
With an M.
* Come on now.
It was on the radio! How am I supposed to know?
* Well, why did you like it?
It wasn’t really music. It was using sounds to tell a story. It was almost like old radio shows. It would almost be like a silent movie version of a radio show. Just sound effects.
* Was it scary?
Yeah. It was almost like someone was walking through a haunted house or something. It was pretty cool.
* Did you ever look for the music?
Yeah, I couldn’t find it. I called in once. But I don’t think he remembered what I was talking about. He would play a whole bunch of songs, so he probably forgot.
* Was this before the computer age?
Yeah, it was back when I was in high school. I would tape his show because it was late at night.
* Would you tape it in the day? Why would you only tape at night?
Because that was when his show was on.
* Would you fall asleep to it?
Yeah.
* So it started back then.
Oh hell yah! I would fall asleep to TV, radio, homework…

* So, what do you want to talk about on this blog?
I don’t know. I like nachos. I don’t know…. give me a topic.
* What about that crazy, what was it, Ozzie concert?
I don’t remember a Crazy Ozzie concert.
* You’re the one that brought it up.
I remember the Master of Puppets tour and Ozzy was doing Ultimate Sin.
* Uh, is that a song?
No, an album. I remember going to a Yes concert and laid down on the seats to go to sleep because it was just that exciting. Of course that was the type of music they were.
No, the Butthole Surfer concert was kinda crazy and kinda fun. That was the first concert I saw in Austin. We went to this friend of mine’s sisters and she had a pile of broken TVs in the corner of her living room. That was kind of cool. I was just a heavy metal kid from suburban Houston going to see a concert.
* What’s a heavy metal kid watching Butthole Surfers for?
A friend of mine had an eclectic taste so I guess I did too.
* Are they punk rock?
Not to me, not sure what they are.
* Well what the blank was that concert you were talking about that was fun??
There was the Twisted Sister concert. Dee Snyder was full of energy and shit and he was running around. Evidently they had built stairs behind the stage, so he could come out different windows. But I guess he didn’t realize how tiring that would be, so by the 4th or 5th song he was laying on the prop trash can singing, too tired to move.
My first concert was Night Ranger.
* Well was that funny?
I guess so but I didn’t know any better. I had no concept of funny in regards to that. I suppose it was funny. Funny in a sad way.
I guess just write a bunch of bullshit and see if anything comes out. Music is like eh, whatever.

* Well what would you do?
What would I do if I were a blog post? I don’t know man. I could blog about all sorts of things. I think food is funny.
* Why do you think food is funny?
Oh I don’t know because people eat fucking anything. Well most of it was done on accident. Second of all, what they did to foods was to trick the body into thinking they were eating something good. Or to make the food taste like it was not rotting, which is I guess the same thing.
Or like where the fuck did coffee come from anyway? Its almost like they were trying to make soup.
Or tea. Tea was probably some thirsty fucker eating some stump water. And he’s like this stump water doesn’t taste like turtle shit, this stump tastes more like leaves. And that’s better. And I will call it tea.
Like whoever the fuck discovered frying foods was probably named chief the next day.
Have I already gone over this rant with you?
* No.
I think food came about because clubfoot joe couldn’t chase down food, so he has to do something with it because every time he eats it, it makes him sick.
* Poor clubfoot joe.
No, he did something right and was named chief. Look at clubfoot joe eating 3 day old deer meat. Eating honch. What is honch anyway? Do they sell that at the store? Fetch me your freshest honch!
I mean cause people eat fucking anything! I mean the puffer fish will kill you if you eat it raw. I mean, can’t you just leave it alone because it kills you??
This stuff started when we made the caveman pizza. One guy said we couldn’t use oregano but could use wheat. And I’m like why? I see oregano in my front yard, not fields of wheat.
But you know they found that cave where they saw picture showing people chasing grasshoppers into a cave to eat them. That’s fucking interesting. We’re a bunch of namby pamby whiners. If we were hungry all the time we wouldn’t have time to get goth.
* Why is goth namby pamby whiners?
They are a bunch of self pitying whiners.
* Weren’t you goth?
No! The only thing I had was letting my mullet touch my collar. Damn the man. Then when I went to college I stopped cutting my hair at all.
* Why did you stop cutting your hair?
I don’t know why. That was my big right of passage. All these years they’d bitch about my stupid mullet. Well I’ll show them. I’m not touching the hair.
When we moved 5 people to a 2 bedroom apartment and I was sleeping under the foozball table, no, its when I was a bill collector, I cut all my hair off to get an apartment. I was then respectable. They knew.
* That’s when you said that your next girlfriend had to be comfortable with you passing out in the front doorway.
Right. Seemed reasonable.

Cheese is another one of those fucked up foods. Rhea says this is why aliens haven’t made contact because we’ll eat them. Cheese is something they found inside a calf’s stomach and they ate it. I guess that’s how things go.

I guess we are namby pamby complainers. We want to protect nature and shit, but nature can’t be stopped. One of my mom’s friends was shitting all over computers. And I thought the guy was a jackass. But I guess everybody looks back on their childhood with nostalgia and they want it to be the same.
Nature devours all of the time. It is changing all of the time. Like we got that fish. There is a fish that has evolved to live in super polluted water. It has no immune system because it doesn’t need it. Anybody who thinks we have any control over nature, come to Houston and try to keep the house free of roaches.

* I think we’re done here.

No, no, no, let’s see. Oh, are we done? What was the subject? Clubfoot joe?